Parenting in Public

We have all been in the situation where we hear a screaming child in the store, restaurant, or some other public place.
When you have kids, you may understand that parents frustration, when you don't, well... Parenting in public is a hard thing. You are often torn between yelling in frustration, hiding out of embarrassment, or quietly giving in to calm the problem. No one wants to be seen as a 'bad parent' in public, and often we think if the child is not under control or throwing a fit then that immediately makes the parent the one with the issues, the one being looked down upon. Let's just get through those issues right now so we can move on.   

First of all: Every child at some point behaves in a negative fashion in public. Every child. It is normal, it will happen. Nobody has the 'golden child' that is always 'perfect'.   

Second: Who are the people that are believed to be judging you? Are they friends? Are they family? Are they professionals whom you hold in high esteem? No. They are strangers. And from the time you were little you have been taught not to care about what strangers think of you. This rule applies here.   

Third: What is most important to you? That you escape the situation with as little embarrassment as possible, or that your child understand his or her actions, understand why they were inappropriate, and learn what is acceptable to you in a public setting? I think most of us will have the same answer.   

Parenting in public is just like parenting at home. Seriously! If your child throws a fit because they want candy before dinner at home, do you give in or do you ignore the fit and wait until the child is calm and is ready for dinner? Well, if your child is throwing a fit because they want candy at the store and you have said "We can get candy next time." should you give in to the fit? You know the answer. But maybe you give in anyway. Because a screaming child in a store is embarrassing to us for the next... ten minutes? So next time we're in a store and we need chocolate chips for our cookies and must go down the candy aisle... what do you think will happen? Do you think the child will ask for candy again? Are you prepared for the fit or planning already to give in?   

It's very difficult, I understand! Your child is LOUD! Your child has the strength of three bears and wresting them out of the store is almost physically impossible and prevents you from the shopping you need to do. Well, fear not! My Family and Me is here to help you. Shopping, restaurants, visits to friends houses, we have your back! Here are some very helpful tips to teaching your child how to behave in public. All you have to do when following these tips is follow one very simple rule: pretend that you and your child are alone when out in public. Put on blinders to the strangers. Not only will your child learn, you will escape, not just embarrassment free, but with strangers thinking "Wow! She's got that kid down pat!"   

Read on:   

•    You know your child better than anyone else. Period. You know their good behaviors, negative behaviors, etc. You know if your child doesn't have lunch by noon and a nap by two then he is a grumpy bear. Take your child's schedule and needs into consideration when planning your outings. If your child generally naps at 2, try not to plan a grocery trip at 1:30.   

•    Prepare your child for your outing so he/she knows what to expect. Tell them that at the restaurant everyone will be sitting and talking nicely waiting for their delicious food, and then eating nicely. Tell them about wait staff, or music that will be playing.   

•    Prepare your child so they know what is expected of them as well. "At the store you may pick one fruit and help put it in the bag, and one treat for after dinner." Or "After we get the groceries Mommy needs, we can look at the toys for five minutes." Or even "Help me get the groceries by sitting nicely and then we will go home."   

•    Come prepared! The best way to prevent a tantrum is to keep the child busy with other things. I plan my grocery trips around snack time, not after when my child is starving, but a little before usual snack time. I bring a favorite snack, some crayons, a couple little toys that only get brought out in situations like this (so they are still 'new' and exciting) My daughter then spends half the grocery trip snacking nicely in the cart, and the other half playing or coloring. You can also let your child hold items (ones they can't/won't destroy) as you shop and tell them about the produce, and other foods you see.    Every    trip can be a 'field trip'.

•    Let your child have a say in what/where you go. Control (especially for toddlers) is a big deal! They want it! So let them (think they) have some. "Would you like to get the milk first, or the apples?" Two things you were going to do anyway! Try to think of choices you can give the child that are within your plan already.   

•    Understand limits. I don't mean your limits, I mean the child's. A two year old should not reasonably be expected to sit like an angel at a restaurant table for an hour and a half. Try to be fair to the child's needs/wants. Don't wait until it's too late and the child is heading way down hill before you decide to go take a walk, or play an appropriate game together at the table, or to start preparing to leave.   

•    The second the child begins to misbehave, talk to him. Don't yell, threaten, accuse... Talk. Tell him you understand he is tired/hungry/etc., remind him of the rules/expectations you talked about beforehand, and update him. "I need to get three more things and then we will be finished. Why don't you help me count the three things?" Try to keep the child engaged and speed yourself up to help.   

•    Be prepared to leave as a last resort. Yelling is not a last resort. Spanking is DEFINITELY not a last resort. Giving in is not a resort, let alone your last one. Leaving is. And do not allow your child to change your mind once you have said you are leaving. You must always follow through with what you tell your child, positive or negative. If you say "You may have a treat if you sit nicely." don't skip the treat because the child forgot about it. And if you say "We are leaving if you are going to yell." and the child yells, then leave! Remember, no one is there, it is just you and your child.   

•    Always let the child know when they are doing well! This is perhaps one of the most important tips of any behavioral management technique. If your child is sitting and snacking nicely, tell them! If they are helping you with the groceries, thank them and be happy! If they have sat for half an hour at the restaurant and haven't made a fuss, congratulate them. Be sure to let them know you are pleased, happy, and proud.

One more note on the subject: Please do not make excuses for, apologize for, or deny your child's negative behavior. This is one of the bigest public issues I see as an educator and parent. If two children are on a playground and your child A kicks child B, don't tell the parent you're sorry, he's tired, too much Halloween candy, his dog died, etc. Don't say "He never kicks!". Acknowledge what has happened and then talk to your child about it. Hopefully parent B will do the same. Don't put blame on either child, just talk to your child about appropriate behavior in that environment. And if the situation is reversed and your child gets kicked, do the same thing. Acknowledge what has happened, blame no one, and give your child the skills to deal with it. "When someone kicks you or hurts you tell them 'Please don't hurt/kick me.'" It is not necessary to try and put the blame on the other child (even when they did it!) because you are then making that parent feel blamed (just as you would) and helping no one. "I'm sorry he kicked you, that was wrong of him." places blame. By handling this without blame and instead with helpful words and actions your child can use in the situation you have not hurt anyone and have helped your child immensely. By you not placing blame, they will learn the same.

Infant Potty Training

What is Infant Potty Training?

Infant potty training is potty training done at an earlier age than most Americans are used to. Infant potty training begins usually around 4 months, with complete autonomy around 18 months of age. The average age in the United States for potty training is around 36 months for girls, and 39 months for boys. The average amount of time it takes to go from diapers to being 'potty trained' at that older age varies around 10 months.

Potty training as an infant is definitely not a new technique. In many other countries including Russia, India, Africa, and some European countries, potty training before the age of two is the norm. And before 1950, even the United States followed suite.

There are many pros and cons to infant potty training, and it definitely isn't right for everyone. Infant potty training takes a lot of work, time, and discipline on the parents part. Many full time working parents feel they simply do no have the time necessary to make infant potty training completely successful at such a young age. Day Cares and Preschools rarely offer infant potty training as it is messy and difficult when working with groups of children. However, many nannies and other such caregivers are trained and knowledgeable about infant potty training and may be able to help considerably with working parents. In such cases that infant potty training is not possible, the child will often have a leg up when the he gets older if he has at least been introduced at the early age.

Diapers can be very expensive, and can create a lot of waste. In 1988, over 18 billion diapers were sold and consumed in the United States in that year alone (according to Lehrburger, Carl. 1988. Diapers in the Waste Stream: A review of waste management and public policy issues. 1988. Sheffield, MA: self-published.) Many families turn to infant potty training for this reason. Because infant potty training also allows the baby to be diaper free most of the time, diaper rash is a very rare occurrence, urinary infection possibilities are decreased, are the overall health of the infants area is improved. This is why infant potty training is also referred to as 'natural infant hygiene', no diaper rash, and little to no time spent in soiled diapers.

Many mothers who choose infant potty training feel a special bond when anticipating their child's elimination needs, similar to that of nursing, and rocking a child to sleep. It is another way a parent can become more in tune with their child. Studies show that children who have all their basic needs anticipated and met are calmer, more independent, and self reliant children and then adults.

Talk to your Parent Advisor or Baby Planner about infant potty training to help decide if it's right for your family.